August
by taxiphobia
Summary: Once upon a time, there lived a Prince Sasuke. One day, the Prince is abducted. The next day, his fellow nobles set out on an unforgettable, rediculous, rescue mission. And then there's that runaway Princess Sakura...[AU][Sasusaku][Part Foolishness]R
1. KIDNAPPED!

Summary: On his sixteenth birthday, Princess—er, Prince Sasuke is kidnapped by a certain Snake Lord. After being swept off his feet and taken into a mysterious lair, Sasuke's cries for help are heard throughout the country, reaching the ears of his fellow noblemen. Who will rescue this damsel in distress? Who will win him over? Sasusaku AU Some medieval language; I warn thee now.

**August**

**Chapter 1**

He sauntered. He paced. He trudged. Sasuke could wait no longer. It didn't matter that today was July 23, day of his birth; His 16th birthday—his sweet sixteen. Well actually, it did. This reason fueled his impatience. It was his birthday, God Dammit! The single day of 365 he looked forward to!

Here he was, in his own castle, voted best for its extravagant (and expensive) décor out of everyone else's. His own castle. His and his alone. And he was kicked out, of most of it at least, limited to the confines of his bedroom. Not that it was a small room. It was bigger than the kitchen, which meant something.

That was where _they_ were—his fellow princes and princesses, all of royal blood—downstairs cooking _something_. They did this every year. Every friggen' year. They crashed his precious castle on his most precious day with a plan far worse than last year's, in attempt to bring a smile to his face.

The reason to this was, the opal-eyed Prince looked like a girl when he smiled. A very cute girl.

Which was simply _wrong_.

This year, his so-called 'friends' entered his kitchen, the second largest room in the castle. Without so much as a "Happy Birthday," they rushed past him, his servants, his servant's servants, and the high-tech (for their time) security system.

Except for one.

A certain princess with ridiculously long blonde hair, styled the same way every year, dressed in…nothing actually! She was the first of her kind, what we'd call today a prostitute (or a slut—whatever tickles your fancy).

The prostitute stood there, humming a future-Paris Hilton song, her clothing—or whatever it was—drastically less than last year.

"How art thou, Prince Sasuke?" She asked. The prostitute speaks!

No reply.

The prostitute waited patiently.

Sasuke decided he'd leave when she left, if she ever left, and that was to be done without the power of words.

The prostitute inched closer until finally grabbing hold of the Prince's arm, nearly suffocating it, much like a large parasite would.

"Come September," she whispered in his ear. "We shall wed."

Sasuke grimaced at the fact that this…this…_prostitute_ and he would get _married_ in less than two months. He, the one with the best castle, looks, personality, and well, everything! They were not a good match. Not a good match at all.

"Yeah," he murmered a word which hadn't been invented yet.

"Princess Ino, come hither!" beckoned a fellow princess from Sasuke's kitchen.

"Coming!" exclaimed the prostitute, whom we now know had a name—a name that translates into _boar_ in Japanese, and animal closely related to a _pig_.

-

Sasuke sauntered. Sasuke paced. Sasuke trudged. Then, he reversed the order to trudging, pacing, and sauntering. And then pacing, sauntering, and trudging. Or was that walking? Walking, pacing, sauntering, _jumping_, trudging…

The point is, the Prince is bored. And when the Prince is bored, very, very bad things happen.

Why, just last night, Sasuke attempted suicide in his bathroom (yes, the _bathroom_) using soap. All because of boredom. But to no avail, due to his loyal servant's—

Ah, there he was now! The rhythmic knocking on the doors _had_ to be his. Everything his servant did was with rhythm. It's a long story.

"Come in," Sasuke called, indifferent as ever, as he is too cool for medieval language and is one of the few characters who doesn't use it in this fanfic.

A lean man, with striking features—large eyes and shiny, bowl-shaped hair—and striking clothing—green spandex from head to toe—entered the dim room, which was not included in the Prince's trophy of _Best Castle Décor_.

The man, who turns out isn't really a man but a simple _guy_ a year older than Sasuke, which would make him legally one year less than an adult, squinted in the darkness.

It was his fault for shutting the door, thus ridding the room of any light.

"Are ye there, Prince?" he asked.

"No," Sasuke replied.

Lee (because we all know that he is the slave) burst out into laughter that reached hysteria (because he is Lee).

"Oh ye," he said, wiping a tear from his eye, shaking his head. His other hand groped for the light switch located beside the door.

"Would the Prince-eth allow-eth me to turn on the lights…eth?"

"No," the orphan-Prince repeated. Just as he did the lights turned on, scaring away the spiders that started laying their eggs there.

Lee didn't listen. Instead, he snorted and slapped his knee, speaking of "The Prince's magnificent sarcasm!" But when did Lee _ever_ listen?

"Why are you here?" Sasuke interrupted, glaring evilly at his sevant—his _slave_.

"Tis' because," Lee started, as he started weaving a tale of Dungeons and Dragons. "And they all lived happily ever—"

"You came here to entertain me," Sasuke stated, his hand placed conveniently under his chin.

It was at times like these, he wished he were a ninja. That way he'd be able to kill people while still doing his job, like stupid people. More precisely, Lee.

"Yes," the spandex-covered slave uttered in, hanging his head guiltily in pure SHAME.

As the opal-eyed prince opened his mouth to say something indifferently indifferent and/or sarcastically sarcastic, a harsh scream came from somewhere. Somewhere downstairs.

"Hark?" Said Lee as he put his hand to his ear. "Is that a scream I hear?" He turned to face Sasuke. "Prince-Dearest…" Sasuke winced at that. "Should I go—"

"YES! Leave me so I can go and KILL my BROTHER!!" The birthday boy snapped.

Lee blinked his outrageously sized eyes.

He blinked and blinked, watching Sasuke pant and pant.

You see, the weird thing is Sasuke doesn't have a brother! His brother died with the rest of the family (or did he…?).

_Something_ in the air must have caused that. Something…stupid. Sasuke would not speak of imaginary people of his own accord.

He sent a _Get-the-hell-out _glare at his servant. Stupid was contagious, after all.

More blinks; that proved his stupidity.

"Just…go," Sasuke_ commanded_, with no emphasis or emotion whatsoever.

After another scream from the party below, Lee left the room faster then you can say …"Supercalafragilistexpialidocious."

Sasuke commenced with the sauntering, pacing, and trudging.

He was hungry.

Where was the food he was promised?

He thought of his non-existent brother and how _cool_ it would've been if his brother slaughtered the entire Uchiha clan, sparing Sasuke's life while speaking of weakness and how you need **hate** to be strong.

And then Sasuke would live for revenge—there'd be a reason to live!

However, in the unaltered universe, that reason was yet to be found.

He thought of this, the real things, and life's pleasures…

"What is my purpose in life?" Sasuke asked aloud, sounding a lot like Prince Gaara.

Wait. Did he just _talk_ _aloud_?

"To be mine!" answered a voice from the private bathroom that connected to the bedroom.

Silence.

A flush of the toilet.

"No…" said Sasuke.

Menacing laughter erupted from the room containing two toilets and three urinals. It was then the Prince realized he was not alone! It was not his voice but someone else's! The stupid Lee gave him already affected his brain! Oh no!

"Who's there?" Sasuke managed.

"Kukukukukukum," laughed the voice as audible footsteps came closer. "It is I…"

"Who?" Sasuke asked again, struggling to see. Where were the lights when you needed them?

"The Great Wizard," the voice said, snapping his fingers. A small flame appeared on Sasuke's pants. Because unlike all other princes who wore robes and dresses, Sasuke wore pants.

They were patted; the fire died.

More snaps, the attempts growing more futile with each.

Panicking, the raven haired Prince had no choice but to rid himself of his favorite cargos.

The next thing Sasuke knew, his shirt was on fire!

But that was taken care of, and the thing was off in less than a second.

"…The Snake Lord," the voice continued, as, you guessed it, Sasuke's _face_ caught on fire.

"…OROCHIMARU!" Orochimaru finished, as thunder boomed and lightning flashed.

Upon seeing Sasuke—who was currently trying to put out his burning face—his yellow eyes lit up in amusement, and a curled smile came to his lips.

Let's not forget about that tongue.

The boy's body was simply _divine_—a worthy vessel.

"What is it you want?!" Sasuke yelled, dunking his _precious_ face into a bucket of water. He stared at the unsightly aftermath—his burnt face. His face was ruined! His beauty, gone!

The Prince bit his tongue, in an effort not to cry. Not that he _could_ cry. Real men don't cry.

But—

"M-my face," Sasuke whimpered.

"I can fix it," the longhaired wizard offered. "For a price," he added slyly.

With his mirror in hand, Sasuke continued to stare at his broken and shriveled complexion. Except, it didn't hurt. Not that it mattered; he wasn't about to question a wizard's magic.

He watched in horror as his reflection broke the mirror in half.

"I don't care! Fix it now!" the Prince exclaimed.

"Okay!" Orochimaru responded happily.

He snapped his fingers and, much to Sasuke's relief, the face was fixed.

"YAY!" Sasuke said. _Nearly_. He almost said it, the word was on the tip of his tongue but Sasuke would _never ever_…

Speaking of tongues, the Snake Lord's licked his lips.

With another snap of the fingers, the two disappeared in a puff of smoke…

…And reappeared in what seemed to be a cave. A cave with a large banner across the ceiling that read:

OROCHIMARU'S EVIL LAIR!!! 

"Welcome," said Orochimaru. He beckoned the confused Prince closer. But Sasuke didn't budge. For the sake of all that was right, he would not move.

"…To Lord Orochimaru's EVIL lair," finished a man with spectacles and gray hair (though he was not old).

Sasuke did not like the sound of that.

"Ku ku ku…"

"Kwah kwah kwah…"

"Ku ku ku ku…."

"Kw…Quack Quack Quack…"

"KU KU KU KU KU KU KU!" Orochimaru laughed.

"Kwanza! Kwanza!" Kabuto laughed right back, slapping the wizard's back, an arsenal of kw- words prepared just for the occasion.

Dear God.

Where was he? Who was _that_? Was that laughter? Had he, the great and almighty Uchiha Sasuke been (gasp) **KIDNAPPED**?!

**-To Be Continued-**

**Note: August is pronounced with the accent on the second syllable, not the way it is pronounced as a month of the year. It's a synonym of majestic, dignified, and noble. **

**What will Orochimaru do to Sasuke? Will Sasuke be driven to insanity? Who will rescue Sasuke? And most importantly—where's Sakura? All that and more on the next chapter!**

**Thanks so much for reading! I worry so much for this story since it's an AU, and AU's don't do too well.**

**Please review! If you do, I'll love you forever.**

**_-_Taxi.**


	2. Journey to the Council of Kings

**August**

**Chapter 2**

"Kuku…ku…"

At last, the great wizard's laughter subsided (Kabuto's was long gone).

"Explain to me again why I'm here," said Sasuke, hands on hips.

He did not like this place. _Did not._ True, the Oro-lord or whatever his name was _had_ abducted him—he liked that part—and relieved him of boredom and more attempts at suicide. But of all places, a _cave_?! Sasuke wanted a tower, not a _cave_! It was tradition to kidnap a princess, and he had that beauty, and then her darling prince would—

Hold on.

Sasuke was a _guy_. A guy-damsel in distress.

Some fairy tail.

Still, Orochimaru deserved _some_ credit. Coincidence or not, the abduction happened on his 16th birthday, which was slightly fairy tail-like.

After a nudge of the glasses, Kabuto interrupted the Prince's thoughts.

"To thy room we pace," he said, pushing the raven-haired Prince, who started pacing,_ sauntering_, _and trudging _all at once, down a dark hallway.

"You didn't answer my—"

"Come, let us make haste, _dear_ Sasuke!"

-

Upon returning to Prince Uchiha Sasuke's room, which was lighted for once, the royal servant Lee of Rocks nearly had a heart attack.

No wait, he did.

But _before_ he did, he gasped. He gaped. He stared at the sky (or ceiling), and cried at the top of his lungs, "PRINCE SASUKEEEEEEEE…eth!!!"

_Then_ he had a heart attack.

Lee's utterly dreadful scream attracted the nobles down below whom, in the kitchen, decided on cupcakes decorated with the Uchiha family crest as the main course.

After running up countless flights of stairs in a stampede-like fashion, the nobles came upon Lee.

"Egad!" spoke the prostitute (Princess Ino), the first one in the room.

"Um…" murmered Prince Hyuga Neji.

"…" said Prince Aburame Shino of Bug Land.

Silence followed Shino's statement.

Naturally Prince Uzumaki Naruto broke the silence. "Whoa-eth. Is he, like, dead?"

A fellow prince kneeled and poked the pale-faced Lee's side, because he had the guts to do it. Only he and Naruto.

"I guess so," he said as his oversized puppy barked, and Naruto commenced with the follow-up of the poking. The only difference was, he poked Lee with a stick! How _dreadful_!

"Wh-what should we d-do?" asked the sensible Princess Hinata. "W-where's Prince Sasu-ke?"

Kiba, who had previously been 'examining' Lee, noticed a crumpled piece of paper between the servant's clenched fist.

"Tis' a hostage note!" Ino's voice grew at the mere thought of it, though she were only jumping to conclusions. Still, she couldn't control her thoughts:

To think; Sasuke had been kidnapped! KIDNAPPED! _Her beloved Prince_, whom she was to wed in September—kidnapped!

Since Ino rarely thought, the over thinking caused her to pass out.

"Dearest fellow peoples," Kiba read the crumpled scroll.

Everyone blinked. That didn't sound like Sasuke at all.

Naruto, who knew Sasuke from childhood, burst out laughing. It was _probably_ all Sasuke's doing. He knew how bored the raven-haired prince could get.

Why, just last month, Sasuke attempted suicide in the fireplace (yes, the _fireplace_), due to his incessant boredom. Naruto knew; he was there.

"I ask-eth thee to save me from this wizard's wrath. Tis' Oro-oro-chimaru? Yes, Orochimaru. You—thee must know of him. Hmm…."

"Ye cannot read!" bellowed the prince of ramen-world.

"Shut thy mouth!" Kiba yelled back.

The other princes and princesses thought it best to ignore this petty argument and instead read the letter in complete silence:

_Ye must save me. SAVE ME! It shall be a competition—whoever saves me wins! But, take heed! Beware of the Great Wizard Orochimaru! Tis' a strong snake lord, the one who abducted me! He is also devilishly handsome with simply __**divine**__ yellow eyes and porcelain skin. But save me first. The reward is handsome—whatever your heart desires. How fun does that sound? _

_With love deep from the heart,_

_SasUKE_

By this time, Kiba and Naruto's attention was on the letter. Naruto especially, and at the scribbled signature.

"What's an u—" he started.

"Nothing!" Princess no-last-name Tenten exclaimed, for the sake of others' and Naruto's blissful innocence. Well, mainly Naruto's.

The others read the letter over and over again. It didn't sound like something Sasuke would write, if he wrote at all. But he probably did. And with that in mind…

"He wants to be 'saved'?" asked Tenten, returning to the letter, which was likely not to be written by the Prince.

"There's probably a hidden meaning to it," said Neji. It wasn't that there _probably _was. It was that there _was_. Neji was always right, and now was not the time to be wrong. He, like everyone else, wanted his wish to be granted. He glanced at Hinata while thinking this.

"I'll do it. I think Sasuke is sexy," Kiba said, as the other princes inched away from him and the princesses cast him strange looks.

"I agree," Neji said with a solemn nod. "But not sexy, _cute_. And only when he smiles."

"Me too," murmered Prince Nara Shikamaru (of the Wild Deer). He always thought men were better than women. Not that it Kiba's statement wasn't gross. It was. _Kiba_ was gross.

"…"

Naruto's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.

"Ye're all revolting! I bet-eth Sasuke didn't even write this note of ransom!"

"A point he has," muttered Tenten.

"Well, tis' not like _we_ can do anything about it," stated the prostitute after awakening.

"T-true," whispered Hinata. "Because _we_ are women."

"Barely," added Tenten, looking down.

"I believe ye should tell-eth the council of kings!" exclaimed Lee, as he miraculously rose from the dead, due to the fact he cannot die. Lee is too youthful to die.

While most of the nobles were shocked at Lee's rising from the dead, Gaara and Shino remained unfazed.

"…" said Shino.

"Yes, _them!_" the spandex-covered sevant shouted. "Whom else wouldst I talk about?!"

"…" Shino retorted, but Gaara interrupted.

"What are they going to do about it?" he asked in a monotone voice.

Being smart and all, Gaara had taken into consideration the journey to the council of kings. Few survived the treacherous walk and climb of over the river and through the hills.

"I am SURE they will KNOW…eth!" fumed Lee. These were such stupid questions!

"I was just saying," muttered Gaara.

"S-so I guess we should depart?" suggested Hinata, though she knew that the only ones leaving would be the males. And Ino, but she had her excuse.

"Yea!" yelled Ino. "Sasuke shan't wait any longer!"

One by one, the princes' and princess's chariots arrived. One by one, they left for the council of king's. Lee went as well, traveling on foot (sans the leg weights).

Slowly, the population of the castle consisted of two nobles and countless servants, though the servants don't really count.

Princesses Tenten and Hinata, abandoned by the princes and one prostitute, decided to trash the palace and fire all the servants. It was _mainly_ Tenten's idea. Hinata just went along with it.

"Methinks they'll never come back," sighed Tenten after they successfully trashed the largest room in the house.

Hinata, who had been observing Tenten's lovely graffiti, halted and blushed. Prince Naruto _never coming back_?

"We should go on a journey to that place too…The Snake Lord's palace," the brunette one said. "But after we finish with _this_ palace."

-

"Here ye! Here ye!" screamed Lee since megaphones weren't invented yet, as some a trumpet played in the background.

The current announcer boy, first to arrive (and two days early), much to everyone's surprise read the scroll that lay before him.

"Oh no! Thou mustn't touch thy breast-eth! EEEEEEEEEKK!!!"

All were confused; wasn't he supposed to be reading the introduction list?

"NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! I refuse. Mine heart belongs to him and not thee, a despicable and disgusting mother fu—"

After noticing just _where_ the passage was from, a certain king stood and grabbed his precious scroll, written by a certain toad hermit, and retreated to his position.

A _new_ scroll was given to Lee who, due to his stupidity, wondered just _what_ was going on. Stupid Lee.

"King of the North! King Hatake Kakashi!" read Lee, as a huge spotlight shone on the first point on a diamond-shaped table.

The gray-haired king stood in acknowledgement, though his attention was on the latest installment of the Icha Icha-eth series, which was _finally_ in his possession.

"King of the East! King Sarutobi Asuma!"

A man, who thought of the _pointlessness_ of the introduction rose, lighting yet another cigarette. It wasn't like this was his, or the other kings', first time meeting the young nobles. He sat before receiving any blinding spotlight.

"King of the West—"

"_Queen_!" Corrected a woman's voice.

"Sorry," apologized Lee. "_Queen_ of the West—Yuhi Kurenai!"

"And finally!" exclaimed Lee with great anticipation before Kurenai was even able to _stand_. "Last, yet most indefinitely _not_ least—me long lost papa, whom I just learned about today—King of the South—Maito Gai!"

Everyone rolled their eyes, including the nobles. It didn't matter that Lee was suddenly royalty. Actually, everyone already _knew_ that. But no one wanted him in the exclusive club of nobles.

"How great for thee," said Ino sarcastically. "Can we get on with it already?"

"Sure," said King Kakashi after father and son's signature (in such a short time) embrace in front of the sunset and ocean.

"You'll be in teams of two for this rescue mission," Asuma said between puffs of smoke. "Since Prince Choji isn't here, there's an even number."

"The young prince-eth is currently under-eth medical attention because he eats-eth too much-eth!" exclaimed the King of Spandex.

"Not that I really care," Shikamaru said, sighing. "But what about that other princess? The one with the hair."

"Tis' me! My hair is l-o-v-e-l-y-eth! Witness!" Ino said to the Prince of wild dear as she came closer. "Just feeeel how nice it is to the touch. Isn't it l-o-v-e-l-y?"

Shikamaru felt it right to step away.

"Great, you can spell," he said sarcastically. "And I didn't mean you. I wasn't asking you."

The prostitute-princess sniffed, _greatly_ offended.

"The one with the _pink _hair," the prince re-said, eyeing Ino to see her reaction.

Ino's eyes dilated for a split second, but the moment came and gone.

Naruto's eyes widened as well, as did Lee's _already_ widened eyes.

"Thou must mean Princess Haruno Sakura," stated Lee, not even bothering to add any –eths to the sentence.

"Uh yeah, her."

"Ye know of her," spat Naruto, as the room seemed to darken.

"I do?" asked Shikamaru, the one noble oblivious to the sudden lack of light. "No I don—"

"You will in time," Kakashi intervened. This rescuing was for Prince Sasuke, not Princess Sakura. Besides, Sakura didn't want to be rescued; she didn't need to be saved. "But it wouldn't hurt if you came upon her, by chance," he added.

As _if_ they could do a thing.

The pink-haired Princess ran away from home and her royal duties. In less than a month, her existence blended in with that of the common people. She left, looking for something, though not knowing what.

Until she found that _something_, there was no chance of her return.

-

Once again, he was confined. It was like wherever he fricken' was he was confined! His stupid room was practically _identical_ to his in the palace—no windows, just a bed and a small closet filled with identical t-shirts with the Uchiha crest on the back and cargos. Lots and lots of comfy cargos. There was even a bathroom connected to this room, though this one contained only one toilet.

This was an outrage! If Sasuke had known he were to be abducted and taken to _this_ place, he would have rejected the offer and bought some magic-face-fixing spell off of the yE-bay market, Dammit! This was not right!

Where was the sense of adventure and fear _those_ princesses got when _they_ were kidnapped? Though he sure wasn't a princess, the Snake Lord ceased scaring Sasuke. And adventure. When the hell were they going to rescue him!? He didn't care _who_ it was; he just wanted to be rescued.

It had been three days since his sweet sixteen, and still, no rescuing or saving. Sasuke _knew_ he was loved, so what was the matter? Had they forgotten?

No, that probably wasn't the case. Orochimaru himself had Kabuto deliver a ransom note to the Prince's room. The Prince's ever-empty room. What if no one saw it? Or worse—what if the contents of the letter asked for _no one_ to look for Sasuke?! Egad!

Sasuke trudged in a tight circle within the limited space he had. There was no point in thinking too much; it would only lead to confusion.

Instead, he'd wait it out. He'd wait and stop thinking, for the time being…

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. But before you jump to your conclusions of it being Orochimaru, or Sakura, or Lee, or _someone_ like that, bear in mind that, no matter how senseless this story may be, all things happen for a reason.

Anyway…

It was _obviously_ Kabuto, since Orochimaru feared Sasuke's Uchiha wrath.

The distinct knocking resembled Lee's.

Sasuke sent a 'who DARES enter my room' glare at Kabuto, who let himself in without asking, much like Lee would have.

"Sushi?" offered the spectacles-wearing man, holding out a silver platter of colorful sushi.

And so began Sasuke's obsession with flavorless raw fish on a piece of rice.

**-To Be Continued-**

**Thanks for reading, and thanks to those of you who reviewed! **

**Will Sasuke ever get over his sushi obsession? Will the rescue mission ever start? Why doesn't Shino ever talk? And most importantly, WHERE'S SAKURA?**

**If you don't review, I'll be sad. **

**-_She who fears taxis._**


	3. One Mission, Many Goals

**August**

**Chapter 3**

"Stand up!"

She panted upon the emerald grass. She couldn't take it anymore, let alone stand. The training was brutal, and today's was far worse than yesterday's. It grew harder and harder; she wasn't sure if she could keep up. She wasn't _this_ strong. But she _had_ tried to hard to be strong, hadn't she?

"Sakura…"

Yes, that was her name.

"Get up."

She stood, a few wisps of pink hair stuck to the sweat on her face. She knew training with a witch was hard. But not _this_ hard. Everything had been easy until now. She ran away from the hard things, her previous life.

And here she was, training to gain what was lost and given up.

-

"Basically, it's like this…" started King—er, _Queen_ Kurenai of the West. "We've chosen who your partner will be, and this is the best decision, so no complaining." She scanned the nobles' faces for any sign of objection.

"No one speak until I'm done announcing," said Asuma, robbing the position of announcer-_man­ _away from Lee, who started sniffling.

"Naruto and Kiba; Shino and Gaara; Ino and Shikamaru; Lee and Neji."

Surprisingly, not one said a word. All eyes were staring, intently and strangely, on Asuma.

"Um…you can talk now," he said, shifting uncomfortably.

Soon enough, the nobles erupted in banters, exclamations, and so on.

Even Shino spoke.

"…!" he _exclaimed_.

"As if you have the right to talk," said Gaara. "Do not compare me to my idiotic siblings. There's no need to bear a grudge against me."

Let us take this time to thank Gaara for the clarification of the existence of his siblings. Thank you, Gaara!

"It could always be worse," Gaara was on a roll with the words but decided to point to Lee and Neji, and Ino and Shikamaru to explain.

Naruto and Kiba were fine; they were too alike to have any problems. That goes for Gaara and Shino as well, since Shino's mute and Gaara has sensitive hearing.

"Well?" asked Kakashi.

"WHAT are ye WAITING for-ETH?!" shouted Gai, slamming his hands on the diamond-shaped table.

"You're free to go," said Kurenai, as she attempted calming Gai down. He was just worried about separation from his long-lost son. Probably.

"So leave," added Asuma as he opened a new pack of cigarettes.

With that, the nobles left in a flash, some with the reward in mind, some doing it just for the fun, some quite confused, a few doing it just because, and one lonely prostitute dragging along her unwilling partner with the goal of getting happily married to Sasuke. It was a disaster in the making.

-

"Do you even know where you're going?" asked Shikamaru. For God-knows-how-long (a.k.a. 2 hours), he'd been following Ino prance around some enchanted forest where everything looked the same in search for her future husband.

The sad thing was, there were so many chances of escaping her royal prostitute. But then, she was a…er…_female_ and he was a _male_ and males were _supposed_ to protect the females. He was a prince and she, a princess. It would only add to the future-guilt, he hypothesized. Not that he would mind her dying, but say, for example, Ino died from looking for Shikamaru who was long gone. _That_ would suck.

There was also the very, very slight possibility that he fall in love with her or she with him. A Very, very, _very_ slight chance. Nonetheless, there was still a 1.9 percent chance of it happening, which was why Shikamaru stayed far behind Ino, merely following her instead of leading the way, something _most_ princes would do.

It would have been _much_ easier if his partner were someone stupider and not blinded by love. He had the brain to trick someone, but _not_ someone in love. That was just low.

"I'm tired," Shikamaru complained, setting his tight ass upon a strangely comfortable and mossy rock. "This is too troublesome."

Ino, too afraid to go on without Shikamaru, who is a guy, _ergo_ stronger, wrinkled her nose, trudging back to the lazy man.

"_You're_ too troublesome," she said, standing directly in front of the prince, hands on hips (similar to Sasuke's _demanding_ pose in the previous chapter).

Shikamaru sighed, ignoring the remark, and gazed at the sky.

Look at all those clouds…

-

It was enough that the Hyuga live in the same _region_ as the King of the South. It was one of the reasons Neji looked forward to rescuing Sasuke. Apart from the reward, he'd have the chance of _not_ seeing Gai every morning to wake him up, at dinner, outside, in the streets, for visits, in the shower…

It was like he was haunted or something, because now, Neji was stuck with Rock Lee, Maito Gai's long lost son, contrary to popular belief (ignore the last names), for who KNOWS how long!

And Lee was _far_ worse than his father. He practically _overflowed_ with…the dreaded word…youth.

But Neji would not fall. He would not crumble or fail or lose his cool in front of this ex-servant (and to him, those words mean the same thing). Every once in a while, he'd smirk at Lee's so-not-funny antics, and carry on with the walking. He hoped, just _hoped_ that Lee suddenly forget where he was—since he was stupid and all—and leave Neji alone.

But what were the chances of _that_ happening?

"_Fellow_ Prince Neji!" shouted Lee from his current position, somewhere among the trees. He had that incomprehensible power to hop like a ninja, which was why he was up there and Neji was down here. However, in rank of coolness, Neji was waaaaaaaaaaaay up there while Lee was in hell.

"What?" Neji asked through gritted teeth.

He would not kill Lee—He would not kill Lee… 

"Twas' another squirrel I came upon!"

There it was—his stupid obsession with forest critters—primarily squirrels.

"And it spake of Prince Sasuke's location-eth!"

Well, that was new. Neji paused all thoughts of killing Lee and/or a certain cousin of his…

"Where is he?" Neji _almost_ asked. For one thing, asking would degrade his coolness. The other thing was, there was no way he was about to trust a talking squirrel.

He need not ask, Lee answers whether one takes interest or not.

"A few paces to the north!" he yelled.

If only Neji could fly. Then, he could fly up there and strangle Lee to death for being a LOSER, a FAILURE, AND an IDIOT AND wasting his precious time. Alas, Neji cannot fly.

Instead, his white eyes came upon a rotting tree stump which happened to be 'a few paces north.' Lee was wrong; he was right. _Moving on._

"Say 'thank you' to the squirrel," said Neji. "We're moving on."

Lee hopped down from the trees in a flashy manner, landing _right_ beside the Hyuga prince.

"'We're moving on'…to a few paces north?" Lee asked.

Pause.

He seemed to have forgotten something.

"-Eth?"

There we go.

"No," replied Neji, as he closed his sensitive eyes. "We're moving on to rescue Prince Sasuke."

"But-eth the squirrel—"

"Lee," Neji said, halting. _He would not kill Lee—He would not kill Lee… _"Who do you believe more—me or that creature?"

Lee, being Lee, pondered for a moment, rubbing his nonexistent beard (at times like these, you can't help but envy Asuma). Although Neji didn't really care anymore, and was already walking on ahead, Lee came to his conclusion:

"I have come to my conclusion!"

As you can see.

"The squirrel," answered Lee, nodding as though he'd just won the war over his inner demons.

Unable to control himself, Neji seized his handy-dandy little pocket dagger and stabbed Lee in the chest over one hundred times per second—fast reflexes—thus, killing the poor guy.

After that was done, he went off, in search for Sasuke and the handsome reward.

Lee twitched—since he can't die due to his youthfulness.

Meanwhile, unknown to Neji, _right under_ the stump was Sasuke's room and Sasuke, who was currently munching on tasty sushi, thanks to Kabuto who can cook. Yum, sushi!

-

"…"

"Yes, I know. Their explanation of this so-called 'mission' lacked the important details," said Gaara to the silence that _is_ Aburame Shino.

"…" said the almighty silent-one.

"Uh, I think so," replied Gaara as he stepped over a large log.

"…" Shino said, explaining his plan, which translates to:

Well, since they, as in the Council of Kings, did not explain much and the letter never asked of returning Prince Sasuke to his castle and/or to Princess Ino, wouldn't it be wise to have him grant our wishes, if even possible, which is highly unlikely, and kill him afterwards, whether or not our wish is granted, since he'll end up being a burden to our other plans?

That whole sentence in three little dots.

The prince of the Sand stopped walking, which was unusual for him, since he just told Shino of how there would be no stopping until his wish was granted and their conquest of world domination was fulfilled.

But obviously, he needed to think over the mute prince's statement.

"That's a good idea," Gaara said after a short pause. He didn't really mind killing Sasuke, himself.

"…………………………………………………………………………" said Shino, which means; _I know_.

-

Sasuke was bored. He was bored from waiting for his savoir and prince to come. He was bored from seeing Orochimaru's tongue and Kabuto's spectacles. He was bored out of his dear mind; and, as you already know, when Sasuke gets bored, very, _very_, bad things happen.

Sasuke searched his room for anything that would help in his attempt at suicide. All he saw was a platter of uneaten sushi (well, there were other things, but why _not_ sushi?). However, seeing that it was _virtually impossible_ to choke on sushi, Sasuke decided to do what he did best:

Brood. In his dark corner.

But this pastime was shortly lived, as the door creaked open and a slither of light shone through.

"Hello Sasuke," Orochimaru said, still too afraid to fully let himself in.

The Prince did not answer. He was too _bored_ to answer.

"I hope you are enjoying yourself?" the Snake Lord asked. Without waiting for a response, he continued, "Would you come with me please?"

Sasuke glared a cold glare.

"Remember our deal," Orochimaru quickly added, leaving the raven-haired Prince to follow.

Sasuke remembered no such deal, but followed anyway. Had he given Orochimaru more thought, Sasuke would have requested a lock (or several) on his door. Sadly, he had not.

Kabuto snickered at the sight of the _high_ and _mighty_ Sasuke being led down a near-pitch black hallway. He was about to sample hell on earth.

**-To Be Continued-**

* * *

**It's here! Sorry for the delay, guys. I've gotten the whole next chapter prewritten, and when the next one's done, I'll post four. The story is getting deeper, no? Well...I think so. I hope it's still funny. **

**The next chapter marks the OFFICIAL introduction of Princess Haruno Sakura (all that was done up to now has been unofficial). And why is Sasuke cringing in fear? How are Kiba and Naruto doing? **

**Reviews make me happy!**

**-Tax(es for ye!)**


	4. Chapter 4

**August **

**Chapter 4**

Once upon a time, there lived a Princess. Like all other princesses, this Princess sought her Prince Charming. However, apart from most princesses, this Princess found her Prince Charming at the tender age of 8. It was love at first sight.

This Princess unwittingly chased after this Prince Charming, to the point of near annoyance (on his part). However clueless to her own constant chasing, the Princess's love was real. She had dedicated her life to this Prince.

One day, a threat to this Prince's life was discovered—one that only _she_ knew about. In an effort to demolish this threat, the Princess ran away, seeking the training of a witch. This witch was located within a month, but the Princess was nowhere close to completing her lessons.

She was all too late.

_**This is her story.**_

"Sakura," the witch said to a pink-haired girl. The two normally ate their dinner in silence; speaking at the table entailed punishment.

That meant this was urgent.

Sakura looked at the dirty blonde witch in question. "Tsunade?" she said after a few sighs from her mentor.

The witch, Tsunade, lowered her head. "It's about Prince Sasuke," she said, oblivious to Sakura's astonished face at the name. Surprisingly, Sakura said nothing, allowing Tsunade to continue.

"The Council of Kings has informed me about his predicted abduction—It's just as you said."

"Yeah," Sakura breathed. "What do you suppose I do now?"

Tsunade took no time to think; she had forecasted this question, this event, for some time now.

"Find him," she instructed.

Easier said than done.

-

Sakura rested in a rare forest clearing, thinking of what to do next. _It may have been wise_, said her inner self, _to ask the witch for, oh, I don't know, a MAP?_

The Princess rolled her eyes in response. What an annoying conscience she had, though it had a point. With Tsunade, she was too stubborn, labeling herself as 'independent.' She really wasn't.

Sakura continued, facing directly forward, reminiscing, fighting her inner self, and performing other tasks at once. However…

She stumbled, nearly falling flat on her face. A large, green log lay situated at the spot. It was practically _camouflaged_, built, Sakura thought, as one of the many obstacles of her rescue journey. It would only get harder from here.

Annoyed, the pink-haired Princess kicked the over-sized log, not once, but _twice_ before satisfaction reached her fair face. She sighed, stepping over it with ease, signifying _triumph_.

It was then, when Sakura stood but a few feet away from her previous spot, that the so-called 'log' moved. You may think, 'Logs move all the time,' but you are greatly mistaken. For this, crap-colored, oval-shaped piece of wood was _not_ a log, but a person! Poor person, to be kicked and beaten by a ravage princess!

The log/person wailed in the most horrible manner, attracting the Princess's attention.

"I LIVE!" screamed the…_thing_, rising from the dead. The thing faced Sakura, with its large, huge, eyes of bewilderment.

The sight of such an ugly creature would scare _anyone_, more so a princess.

And so Sakura screamed…

…Causing _Lee_ to scream…

The screaming continued until Lee dropped dead **again**.

"Umm…what just happened?" Sakura asked herself, receiving a harsh lecture from her inner self about remembering faces.

"Lee?" Sakura thought aloud, turning to the 'dead' man.

-

Meanwhile, Kiba and Naruto were on their potty break…again. One would think Naruto would be pushing Kiba to the limit over finding his best friend, Prince Sasuke, _and_ his childhood love, Princess Sakura. Alas, that is not the case. For as far as their relationship went, Gaara's conclusion about 'the perfect team' was completely wrong. Two people can only be so alike, gross, and nasty. Here's what I mean:

"Kiba, you foul scoundrel! Hurry thyself up!" Naruto exclaimed. He grew impatient watching Kiba's _attempt _to zip his zipper (down there) by the so-called 'toilet.' "Make haste, you fool! HASTE-HASTE-HASTE!" The blonde prince chanted.

"I _AM_ HASTING!!" Kiba said with another failed attempt at zipping the zipper. "Prince Naruto of Ramen World, I beg thee for the _final-eth_ time, help me!"

Naruto rolled his eyes at the word, 'final.' Sighing, he made his way past the oversized puppy—their source of transportation—and to the dog prince himself. Once in his rightful position (leaning down and staring at Kiba's…erm), he went straight to work.

"Just shove it in for God's sake!" Kiba commanded after impatiently tapping his foot.

"Shove it thyself! Besides, it won't ever fit because it's too bi—"

A scream, and a loud one at that, echoed through the misty air. Forest critters looked up, perking their heads to one side while birds un-perched themselves from branches and sought to fly _as far away_ as possible.

"Tis' a scream of a fair maiden!" Naruto bellowed, wiping his soiled fingers on Kiba's princely sleeve. "SAKURA!"

The dog prince did not seem to mind this. "Or is it…the scream of a fair _man?_"

Naruto narrowed his eyes. "No…"

"I bet ye a _killion_ gold tis' the scream of Prince Sasuke!"

"_Killion_ isn't even a number!" Naruto spat back, crossing his arms, while sulking and trudging away like a baby. He was nearly out of sight when—

"Prince Naruto! My pants…unzipped are they!" Kiba yelled, hobbling over, but not before falling flat on his face.

"Leave me alone!"

He had to get out of here. Sasuke and Sakura's precious lives were at stake!

-

With a stick, Sakura poked the campfire. Dusk tinted the sky with streaks of orange and pink. Lee was still unconscious, which was better than him being awake. But Sakura needed information, and the newly discovered prince's sleep talking was quite…disturbing; especially if _you_ were the one being talked about.

Sakura ignored this to the best of her ability, though the vein on her forehead was far from absent. She needed to be patient. Lee was Sasuke's servant. He of all people knew where the angsty Prince was, or at least gained the important information.

"Ngh…oh my Sakura dearest…eth…"

But her patience was wearing thin.

Actually, it was practically nonexistent.

"LEE!! WAKE UP!" the pink-haired Princess yelled whist violently shaking the ex-servant. "GET. UP. OR. DIEEE!!" The next thing Sakura knew, she had hurled the guy into a nearby lake.

"Oh."

Poor Lee.

"Thou fairest Princess-eth!" the spandex prince screamed, practically flying out of the water and onto forest grounds. "The fishies have told-eth me of Sasuke's location-eth!"

Sakura crossed her arms. "Have they," she said for flattery.

"And they too agree with the squirrels!" By this time, she had _no_ idea what Lee was talking about. But when did _anyone_ ever know what he was talking about?

"Dearest Prince Sasuke is hidden under the place where I was with fellow prince Neji, in Lord Orochimaru's secret underground lair, eating sushi as we speak!" He gasped for air, for the sentence was said without a single breath.

"Lee, I don't think—Wait, did you say 'underground base'?" Sakura asked, having taken interest in what Lee was saying.

Lee shook his head. "On the contrary, I said 'underground _lair_'-eth."

"You know what I mean," the Princess said, her patience dissipating once more.

"Yes, milady, that is what I spake-eth."

Sakura's next cold, emerald stare caused Lee to cringe in fear of the Princess's wrath. "I have an idea."

**Meanwhile, in a **_**certain**_** hideout…**

"_You can stand under my um-ba-rella-ella-ella-eth-eth-eth_. _Under my um-ba-rella_," Kabuto sang merrily, as he was in the happiest of spirits. The angsty Prince who demanded so much of his cooking skills was off 'training,' with Orochimaru. That gave the spectacles-man his much-needed _alone_ time. And what better way to spend me-time than sing contemporary songs? For Kabuto, there was no greater source (except Orochimaru).

And so Kabuto walked without a care in the world, unaware of his location within the hideout. So unaware that he was lost. But don't ruin the man's happiness…

"KUKUKUKUKUKUKU!"

"GAHHHH!"

…Because it has _already _been ruined!

"Lord Orochimaru!" Kabuto screeched, running to the sound as fast as his tight legs could take him (like all men in the day, Kabuto wears tights).

Kabuto kicked the door of the 'training' room with unexpected strength. "Lord Orochima—" He squinted.

Sasuke sat in the corner of the dark room, barely visible to Kabuto. The Prince cringed in fear, his eyes dilated at the mere sight of light. His body, clothed only by a small rag, shivered uncontrollably. All in all Prince Uchiha Sasuke looked like a _very_ cute girl.

Kabuto burst out laughing, causing himself to fall over on the 'training' equipment—whips and spiked floors. His ass punctured, the gray-haired man took to screaming full falsetto. Orochimaru laughed manically while Sasuke shook some more.

"What…happened here?" Kabuto asked after collecting himself.

Sasuke stared the man down. "Get out of my room," he commanded.

"Eh? This is thy room?"

"Come Kabuto, for _we_ need to train as well," Orochimaru said, pushing Kabuto out the doorway.

Sasuke let out a relieved sigh as the two voices faded. He could not do this. He needed rescuing. Orochimaru was a snake-wielding child molester. Oh, where was his savior when he needed him?

Suddenly and quite appropriately (if I may say so), there was a huge BOOM! Such a BOOM could only mean…

**To Be Continued...**

* * *

Whoa, this is like, how old? Twas' written a long time ago. I wasn't even sure about updating and continuing or not, but, somehow, I managed a few reviews over my break. Sooo, this story will end sooner than expected, not that there were any high expectations for such foolish crack.

I think this story was about Sakura's life. Was it? Can't remember.

And the Um-ba-rella joke...once again, due to the oldness of this chapter. When you couldn't get enough of the song. I was thinking of changing it to, 'the teenagers change the livin' eths out of me' but decided not to.

Review if you must, feel pity, or hate my laziness.

Taxi. ETH.


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